Friend With Benefits Needed, Please Apply Here…
Happy new year guys!!!! I promised y’all this piece last year and as this is the new post of the year i decided to put my demons to good use and I finished in time. Yaaay me!
So, this is my plan this new year. To get me a friend with benefits. The real type.
According to Urban Dictionary: Friends with benefit: Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.
Sounds very ordinary and easy, right!?!
Tufia!!! It’s a scam. Bad things always happen in this situation. One instance is, the two of them end up just strangers who have sex. When I mean strangers, I mean exactly that. There is no friendship whatsoever except one of them is a pathological liar. The second instance is even worse, someone starts to develop “feelings” and if it is not reciprocated, one person starts to resent the other. It’s all yuckity yucky stuff. Uurrgghh!
The problem I have with the universal definition of FWB is this; it’s the 21st century. Sex isn’t a benefit anymore. A girl who sleeps with a guy for free quality weed has a better deal than what these FWBs are getting. And with the expert mechanical minds of sex toy engineers, the sex you are getting with that dude is just shite, honey. Really, I’m talking multiple Os here, there is a reason people keep losing their jobs to robots, but I digress. I have also wondered, what happens when one person decides to start dating? Doesn’t it feel like leaving too many tabs open? There is just too much drama and logistics to work out. I don’t like drama. And I don’t care much for logistics.
What I’m offering here is a mature mutually exclusive arrangement between two adults. Let’s start with the reason I want a friend with benefits. I have a lot of female friends and I would like to enjoy a relationship with a male without the icky sex stuff. I do have a lot of male close friends actually but they are all online or scattered around the world. I wish I could bring them out of my phone and hang out but science hasn’t advanced yet, so now I’m looking for one in Lagos. In summary, I want a male BFF. Confession: I want a brother. That’s what I want, okay? I have seen too many brother-sister relationship and I’m jealous. And since, I couldn’t get a blood one, this is my chance to get it. And I also want someone who would beat the shit out of people who piss me off.
Benefits of being my FWB
1. You get to hang out with me anytime ‘we’ want: Isn’t it cool?!? I don’t have to say no to going out with you because I know that’s all we are doing. Most people
guys think I’m really mean and anti-social, but I’m not as bad as they say. Sometimes I actually do want to go out but I don’t want it to seem like I’m leading the guy on, so I just decline. Truth be told, I’m such an awesome hangout buddy, I might actually block your market. In this FWB arrangement, there is no pressure, just two crazy people(BTW, you don’t have to be crazy, I can share mine) having fun and enjoying each other’s company.
2. Free food: I get to cook for you. I’m not talking about you coming to visit and you meet food. I mean cook from scratch, if you were a potential suitor I wouldn’t do that, I would make you take me out instead. Yup. But now you have passed all that and you get to enjoy my food, which is awesome by the way. You better like hot food, none of those “I don’t like pepper” boys.
3. Tap into my awesomeness: Free flow of ideas. I like to think of myself as a renaissance lady. So whatever field you’re in, I’m sure I can understand you and can even offer tips or know people who can contribute to your life. We can help each other grow mentally, how amazing can this get?
4. I always have your back no matter what: I’m the best wingman ever! Here is the thing, at first glance the girls you like wouldn’t see me as competition, I’m not gorgeous or anything so, I can blend in really well. I don’t even have to know the girl to approach her or create the scenario for you to do your thing. And sweetie, if we need to create a scenario to make your ex jealous, I’m the One. It’s a special skill of mine that only a friend with benefits would know about. *dusts shoulder*
5. Hugs! I’m a hugaholic, I love to hug and be hugged. So if you are one of those side hug people, don’t come near me. I will hit you! I believe hugs are the solution for world peace. And orgasms. And tequila flavoured beer. And lamb chops, oh moist lamb chops! Sigh… Moving on.
6. You finally learn what loyalty feels like: Basically, I’m your ride or die. You think your boys have your back? Let me tell you the meaning of my name. Amyn means, loyal and trustworthy. And that’s my selling point right there. Boom!!!
Requirements of preferred FWB
1. You NEED a car: This isn’t a luxury okay, it’s a necessity. How are we going to go out? Think about this deeply. This is Lagos, not Abuja with their little cheap cabs, this is Lagos. And I’d rather fuel your car, than pay for a taxi. (Yeah, I can fuel your car). So you need one.
2. My mum has to like you: And trust you, just in case we have to stay late she knows her baby girl is safe. She will ask all kinds of questions, but really she just wants to know how trustworthy you are, so it will be fine.
3. You have to be very open minded: I like to try new things. New food. New places. Something different, so you can’t be pulling me down because you didn’t grow up with it or you don’t know how to eat it, that is just boring!
4. Honesty is a no brainer here: You have to be able to tell me stuff. Anything! Even if you kill someone. If you are my friend-friend and I have to find out things about you from other sources that you could have told me, it enters my soul. And unconsciously, I just back up. If I keep backing up, we won’t be friends anymore. Comprendé?
Okay, I think that is all, yeah? So if you think you can handle the awesomeness… indicate interest. I don’t discriminate. May the odds be in your favour!
P.S Did I mention there is no sex involved? If you think there is, you are just a gbef.
Have an awesome week ahead people!!!!!