#GUESTPOST: Why You Should Burn Your List Of Qualities You Want In A Perfect Man…
By Dinuki Suraweera
Given that Singles Awareness Day is right around the corner, I thought this post would be a transparent look at why so many beautiful, smart and eligible women still find themselves single. Now this isn’t directed toward the women that are single by choice because if that’s the case then go ahead with your bad Beyonce self. This post is for the women that genuinely want to be in a serious and committed relationship but can’t figure out why it isn’t happening for them.
Now this is a vastly complex topic and factors such as self love, growth and relationship readiness play a huge role but I will be focusing on just one aspect that I commonly see amongst my fellow ladies. This is a well known phenomenon called “The List.”
Muscular but not a meat head. Sweet, but not a pushover. Rich, but yea pretty much just rich. These are the items included on endless lists hidden in journals, vision boards and online dating profiles of single women all over the world. For most of us, this list has been catapulting into a monstrous snowball of perfection for years now.
Sure, it evolves, but does it really ever change? We genuinely believe that our criterion is significantly relevant but in actuality, most of it is only relevant to right now. We describe what kind of job he should have and what size his biceps and bank account should be but not so much his character, his values or his dependability. Is a guy that has a beard like Jared Leto really going to help with midnight baby feedings one day?
Yeah, maybe just to wipe the spit up off your PJs but there are wash rags for that. So can we all just get a grip? Being a single female living in Los Angeles has given me much insight into this issue, and I admit that I’ve been a past offender of this misinformed phenomenon myself. Los Angeles especially has a culture that is centered on so many superficial ideals that sometimes it almost makes me wonder how women living here get married at all.
Now don’t get me wrong, many a wise woman has gone on to find long lasting, stand the test of time love but typically, these are the women that have come to realize that what is really important when finding a potential mate goes way beyond looks, financial stability and spark. Don’t get me wrong, wanting these things isn’t inherently wrong but when put on a pedestal as non-negotiable is when you run into a major problem.
You’re pretty much negotiating yourself into becoming a cat lady with more porcelain dolls than you can count. While much of the following may be stating the obvious, we women can be quite oblivious sometimes so I will go ahead and state them anyway.
For example, we constantly preach about saving ourselves for the “right” guy that is genuine with Godly character, dependable and an overall kind hearted person. But when that very guy is staring us dead in the face, all we can think about is how his voice is a tad high pitched and his windbreakers make noise when he walks (don’t laugh, rustling pants is a serious impediment).
But the bottom line is this, you will never find the right guy if you allow your superficial blinders to snatch him right off your path. The right guy will not be perfect because no one is. But what I can promise is that he will be perfect for you.
Sure, the long haired man bun having nomad that makes a living as an exotic travel blogger seems like the perfect boyfriend in theory but he’ll be too busy living his exciting life to really care enough to bring you soup when you’re sick, to pick up cupcakes when you’re PMSing and organize your room as a surprise whilst you’re at work (no lie, a guy did this for me once).
And that idealistic picture you painted in your mind will come crashing down into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream when he, yet again, forgets to call you when he said he will, doesn’t care to listen when you’ve had a bad day and cares more about his distressed jeans than you.
And the guy that you dismissed as too nice, too nerdy or too status quo is the very guy that would have given his left kidney to do all those things for you, and even more. I can’t tell you how many of my girlfriends’ constantly turn down the sweetest guys because they didn’t feel the “spark”.
The reason you don’t feel the spark is because you refuse to light the match. And that spark you felt with the man-bun, Jared Leto guy? Those were your unrealistic expectations having a toga party in your brain.
Please don’t get lost in the details my friend. The point is, it doesn’t matter what a guy looks like, how much money he makes or how “cool” his aura appears to be. Try to eliminate these being your deciding factors and truly make an effort to get to know someone’s character before you dismiss them into the dreaded friend zone. What are their core values? Do they possess Godly character? Do they keep their word? How do they treat the people around them? Are they slow to anger and quick to forgive?
Do they have a heart to serve others? Are they hard working? What does their spiritual life look like? Does it match up with yours? These are the essentials that are much better determinants of a long lasting relationship than some image you’ve conjured up in your head.
I get it, Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper are great to daydream about but they are with Eva Mendes and Suki Waterhouse and you’re not them. I am so grateful to have wise women in my life that knock sense into me every time I start to complain about how a guy’s hair reminds me of a furry pancake (long story but it happened).
News flash, IT DOESN’T MATTER. Furry pancake hair can be trimmed, bad style can be fixed but ending up with the wrong guy that doesn’t care about you is irreversible. So ladies, throw out your old list and make a new one.
Have high standards but the right ones. Give chances until you have a legitimate reason not to. And most importantly, don’t turn into a crazy cat lady with an abundance of porcelain dolls. Unless that’s your thing, then it’s totally rad.