How To Be My Boyfriend…

You guys!! I have the flu and I feel like shit. So yes, pray for me. Burn some incense on my behalf. Murder a chicken in my name. I must get better. Thank you.
In my sick state, I was doing a lot of random reading and this topic felt appropriate today…
I have read a lot of perfect husband lists online lately and I find it very fascinating the amount details encompassed in these articles. Cheers to finding those men, ladies. Really, good luck(pun intended). If you notice, I wrote boyfriend, not husband because i’m honestly not ready for that type of, sigh… relationship yet. I am fully aware of what marriage entails and I don’t think my mind is ready to accept it yet. This is for a boyfriend and maybe we can work our way towards the die in our old age thingy. Is that better? Cool. FYI: This is not a fantasy list, this is what I actually want (Someday, when my nuts have been screwed on tight)
Let’s get to it guys.

I want you to be deeply rooted in your family culture and come from a loving home. I want to be invited to family barbecues, birthday parties and maybe even the occasional funerals. See, growing up in a big family left a bitter taste in my mouth. Since then, I have preferred the small nuclear types. So, I will resist your invitations initially, but you have to ease me slowly into it. Like we can hang out with your siblings and cousins first, so I can get to know the family slowly. I’m not the biggest religious fan, if your folks are very religious, it will be your duty to convince them to accept me as your lover just the way I am. (Tip: Let’s never bring up religious talk at dinner). My Nigerian readers might raise their noses at this impossibility. Relax people. I’m casting a very wide net. You don’t have to be a Nigerian to be my boyfriend. Which brings me to the next point.

I like my men like I like my steak. Rare or well done. None of that medium nonsense and this is why I struggle with light skinned boys.*tongue out*  I want you to be very white or very chocolatey, my skin colour is sort of like a sun kissed caramel tone, so I need to see contrast when we are beside each other and it’s something that’s non-negotiable. You also need to have a nice ass and look like you eat regularly. I’m not in the mood to be the only foodie in the relationship so if you could keep eating that pasta, that would be great.

Interests: It is very crucial that you have your own social life. You need to have activities and hobbies that you are very interested in. There are some days where I would not feel like seeing you or hanging and I don’t want to feel bad for that. so you need things and friends that would take you away. If I discover that I am your only means of recreation, the gig will crash. I’m serious. Your personal life has to be fun without me. it gives us more to talk about. Got it?

Drugs: let’s talk about them. Do everything in moderation. Don’t smoke too much weed because I will think you’re lazy and start to lose respect for you. However, I would love it if we could take the occasional X together and watch a movie. That’d be sweet, wouldn’t it? Drink wine with me, babe, and let’s accidentally get wasted at a house party. Be careful though because if you drink an entire bottle, I’ll make a note of it and be on the look out for alcoholic tendencies. This is only because I care about you. And I need someone to hold my head while I vomit from alcohol poisoning.
Let’s have similar music taste but also feel free to surprise me with an interest in New Age or Jazz or even Reggae. If you tell me you like an album that I’ve never heard of, I will feign disinterest until you leave. Then I’ll buy the album off iTunes and fall in love with it on my own. Sorry, I’m just a miscreant like that.
That reminds me: sex. I like to pretend that I’m a secret freak-on-a-leash in bed, but I don’t think I actually am. I’m too into being tender and loving and kissing a lot. But if you want to be rough and crazy, I guess I can go that way, too. And don’t worry about not having a big penis. Those actually scare me. It would be great if we haven’t slept with any of the same people. But I understand that this can be an impossible feat in this tiny world and I’ll have to let it slide. Just no more than 5 people, please.
When it comes to class and finances, have enough money so that we can go to the movies or you can pay for dinner at Churrasco or hang out in Amsterdam. But don’t have much more than that because rich people are almost always weird and often come with their own set of baggage.
I’d prefer it if you weren’t a writer. Two writers in a relationship just makes for a lot of competition and theatrics.  If you do happen to write, I’m not going to sit with you and talk about the merits of psycho linguistics or Russian literature because it’s boring and I don’t want us to ever be boring. I will support you in all of your professional endeavors though and I will be so proud of you when something goes right. I will be there to pop the champagne and say that I think you’re the best. I’ll mean it too. I won’t always mean everything I say but I will mean that.
Be funny- be really funny.  I want you to banter with me like we’re in a ping-pong match. Back and forth, back and forth. Entertain me as much as I entertain you. Be nice, be normal. Avoid going to parties at seedy clubs that have party photographers. Wear some linen, if you feel like you have to. Don’t smoke. Smoking sucks.(don’t raise your eyebrows at me, it sucks)
One last thing: When we become boyfriend/girlfriend, I’m not going to go on to Facebook and change my relationship status to “Blah Blah Blah is in a relationship with Blah Blah Blah”. At most(if you care so much about that kind of stuff), I’ll change it to “In A Relationship”. I hope you can respect that.