#LipglossmaffiaGuide:The Proper Way To Lick A Girl…


Highly Graphic. This Post Is Not To Be Read In Public. Seriously. Not Suitable For Public Viewing.



T G I F!!!


It has been a trying week!

Song of the Week

Beyonce || Rocket



This post is inspired by the pain of a girlfriend who is dating a guy that I actually know. He is a loyal reader of this blog. *sigh* So I have to think about how to tell my friend that his oral sex skills could do with a reboot. I don’t think any of his ex girlfriends ever had “The Conversation” with him. The one about how to eat pussy. This is what I would say if—when—I get the courage to teach him. The women that come after this post(or talk when I do gather the courage) will be secretly thanking this mystery friend for teaching him how to do it right. In other news, ladies, if your guy is really wack, stop lying. Life is too short to be faking an orgasm during oral sex, that is literally the major place we can get our pleasure from, you can’t just fake through every single sexual act. Frankly, I think it’s dehumanizing for you and your partner. You need to speak the fuck up. Worst case scenario, he calls you a slut and leaves. No big deal, you will find someone who would be invested in your pleasure, don’t waste time on number 6 when number 9 is waiting somewhere to be your Orgasm Donor.



Firstly, I just don’t understand why anyone doesn’t look this shit up. Aren’t we all adults? We have access to so much information on the world wide web. Then I think, doesn’t he care that he sucks? He once told me that none of the girls he’s been with have ever cum from head. Holy shitballs! Perhaps it’s because you suck at sucking pussy?! This one is really not getting it.



As earlier mentioned, I am well aware that there is a plethora of information out there and what I have to offer is my own personal experience. Note: after three and a half months of sex and some improvements, my girlfriend is still without orgasms whilst he has had more than he thought possible. This article is not about what guys – in general – do well, that would require another article, this is purely about what the tongue and lips are doing wrong, not doing right, or not doing at all.







 I will put myself in my friend’s shoes and address y’all in first person because you have to realise the gravity of the situation. Class begins now.





1. Don’t Start With The Clit.

What the fucking hell? This is the number-one rule—don’t go straight for the clit! Dammmit! Start by licking my pussy lips. Yes, further down. Yes, when I wriggle to move my pussy to touch your tongue, it’s because I’m trying to show you where to start licking. Feck. How obvious do I have to be? Start with the lips and tease, tease, tease! When I’m begging for it (groaning, asking for it, grinding), that’s when you move to the clit. Comprende?




2. Let The Tension Build.

The brain is the biggest sex organ and that is especially the case for women. Guys can also be off their sex game too if they’re not present in their bodies, of course. But I feel that this is especially so for us ladies. We’re wired differently and we want to feel adored, told that we are sexy, that we can turn your flaccid penis into a warm hard throbbing cock that is harder than Valerian steel. Foreplay is essential. Sometimes foreplay is short if we are already horny or just read or watched something that got us hot and horny. At a guess, the foreplay we want is probably four times longer than you think. Quick suggestions: necking, kissing, flesh grabbing, kneading ass cheeks (especially when it makes our outer lips part), kissing ears, ear nibbling, breast play, nipple play, running hands over back of calves and behind knees, showing what positions you want later when the fuckfest happens. Then you can fire off a sign of going south by kissing the stomach, lick if you want to, suck if you want to as you make a beeline downtown. Kiss my thighs, kiss across my outer lips, take a deep breath in, murmur how much you want to do this, how you look forward to tasting my pussy. By making us feel like a goddess, you can get anything you want. Including a wet juicy pussy to play with and fuck senseless.



3. Don’t Ignore My Labia.

My poor labia minora gets so forgotten. It’s like you think they’re not fun. I wonder how you would feel if I kept forgetting to lick your sac and play with your balls. This is what gets a pussy hot, wet, and dripping in juicy girlcum. Even if she is so wet already from foreplay, even if there is juice coming through her underwear, you start licking those lips. Think about licking ice cream…your favourite flavour… thick broad slow soft strokes using the middle of your tongue. No pointy tip action just yet. That can come later for variety. But start with this languorous broad stroke from the bottom of her pussy up past her clit. Then do it again. Slowly. Then lick everywhere.





4. Use Your Tongue And Lips To Smoosh That Juice Around.

I didn’t dry up. I’m turned on and I know my pussy is wet. I know I must be tasty and you swallowed my girlcum, but it doesn’t flow out—it slowly oozes out and when you lick and suck it all away, it’s not wet anymore and it doesn’t feel as good. Think about the last time you received head and it was a bit dry. You know, you wondered if she has dry mouth for some reason. Medication related, perhaps? And you thought, perhaps if she gagged a bit that would get the saliva flowing. Hell, even lube would be better than this dry mouth, dry tongue, dry lips. Please don’t swallow all my juices because then it goes dry and it’s not fun. Wet, wet, wet is good, good, good! So use your tongue and lips and smoosh that juice around. #GirlsLikeItWetToo





5. The Clit Does Not Lubricate Itself.

It feels uncomfortable when you lick it with the tip of your tongue without there being saliva or dragging my juices up and smooshing it all over my clit and immediate surrounding area. So use your tongue in a lovely broad stroke, bring that juice up from the entrance of my hot pussy to my hard clit. Then with a happily wettened clit, play with my tiny femdick.



6. It Sucks When You Don’t Suck.

You just lick. You hardly suck. Don’t you realize that sucking is pleasurable? Isn’t it fun? I think sucking cock is fun, so I presume sucking pussy lips would be fun, too—and not gag-reflex-inducing. Anyway, it would be great if you would gently suck on my left lip, play with it with your lips, pull on it, let it go, pick it up again. Play with my right lip, which is bigger than my left lip, and do the same. It would be nice if you would gently suck my clit. Take it between your wet lips and gently suck it and if you are dexterous enough, keep sucking while using your tongue to glide across the tip of my clit.




7. Get Your Face In It.

You like how my pussy tastes—I’ve tasted myself many times and I kiss you after you go down on me and I know how I taste so I can say that I taste damn good. I would eat myself if I damn well could. Problem is, you lick pussy with your nose in the air. Your nose don’t touch pussy juice. That’s as awful as someone not wanting to get saliva on their cheeks, chin, or nose when they’re giving a blowjob. Spit gets everywhere around my mouth. It would mean less hard tongue action if you get closer. Try pressing your lips right up against my bald pussy so that your tongue doesn’t have to strain out. And get your nose in there, too. Get dirty. You can wash my juices off later.



8. Use Your Ears As Well As Your Mouth.

When I moan—and you would think that this form of communication is interpreted as “you’re-doing-something-right”—don’t fucking stop what you’re doing!!! So so so sexually frustrating. You was doing this amazing action with licking up and over my clit and it was divine. You did it four times but then changed. Why? I don’t know why. I don’t understaaaaaaand. If I’m wriggling, moving my hips, grinding my pelvis, moving my legs, if my muscles start trembling, if I start holding my breath, making weird noises, they’re all positive reinforcement signs. That means that you’re doing something right and you keep doing that, and remember to add that to the cunny-licking repertoire that works for me.



9. Stick A Finger Or Two Up There.

Perhaps you have never realized that it’s nice to be fingered while the clit is getting hard, engorged, and increasing in sensitivity. I would prefer if you quickly licked your finger before putting it in—remember—wet, wet, wet is good, good, good! It just feels nice to have a bit of fullness in the pussy while the outside of the pussy gets more energized and is dying to cum. Some would like G-spot stimulation—you know, that come-hither motion you do with your finger/s hooked. Look it up on the world wide web, I won’t explain it here. Ask her if she wants another finger. I think most girls want two fingers. Some also don’t want any finger. But ask her. Or she might tell you.






Let Her Sit On Your Face.

There is more than one position to lick pussy. My favourite is being eaten out from behind. You think me in starfish is the only way? I also like to sit on your face, either upright or on all fours. Other positions that would be fun include sitting in a chair, lying with pelvis up as knees are bent like a pussy offering, girl with shoulders on floor and pussy up against the bed, ooh, and girl standing up!




There you have it—my take on how to eat pussy and make a girl happy. I feel better after venting my pussyrant. Men of the world, don’t say I never did anything for you. #YoureWelcome




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