#LipglossmaffiaGuide: How To Survive Lagos Traffic…

To be honest, the original title I had in mind was, “How To Not Kill Someone When Driving In Lagos”. See, people on these streets will test you!

 

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This Is What We Are Dealing With, Folks.

 

Before we go any further, can we all agree that Toyotas are the problem on Lagos roads? Seriously, try to make a mental note of this, 95% of the stupid and reckless driving in Lagos happens because of Toyotas especially those irritating staff buses. Uuurggghhhh. It makes me cringe. I have a theory on this though. First, I think it’s because they are aware that Toyota spare parts are readily available, so it’s makes them invincible, sorta. Secondly, I feel that the engine release some special fumes that make them act crazy. Yeah, that’s it. Or what do you think?

 

 

I once heard that Lagos drivers do not “trafficate” because they feel, we are on the battlefield and it would be very unwise to let your enemy know your next move. Yeah, this is the world we are living in now. *sigh*

 

 

When I was learning how to drive, my tutor always said, “you always have to assume everyone on the road has a mental problem so you have to help them drive. You must help those in your front, your back and your sides.” And you know what? The man was very spot on. I used to think it was the bad roads that caused traffic on the roads, then I started driving, I discovered it was just really bad driving by insensitive and impatient drivers. So far, I have been driving for a year and three months and I haven’t hit anybody, or any car and most importantly, I haven’t killed anyone yet. Wait, I did scratch a car one time because I was looking at a girl’s butt, it was so beautiful, so men of the world, I get it. I totally get it. The point is, I feel I am qualified enough to give you a guide on how to survive the madness that is Lagos Driving.

 

LIPGLOSSMAFFIA GUIDE Lagos traffic

You Need To Have A Great Playlist

This is a no-brainer really. You NEED to have good music in your car to soothe you or to massage your brain or just to be a companion, because you would need it. I have found that it’s good to have different playlists for different moods, sometimes, you’re all up in your feels, sometimes you want sing along type music and sometimes you need some jazz to cool you down. Personally, I stay away from anything loud or anything that might incite violence because when you get on these roads, the need to destroy someone or something is very strong.

You Need Chewables For When You’re Stuck In Traffic

The queues get very long and they are very unpredictable. There are hawkers on the road, yes but I am a little paranoid about safety and I’d rather not open my windows at all. I always have something to chew on in my car. Wafers are my favourite snack, no mess and it’s dry and moist at the same time. I wouldn’t advise drinking anything in the car because your bladder might decide to act a fool. I have excellent bladder control but I don’t push it. Mother Nature can be a bitch.

Make Sure All Your Documents Are Complete

I can not emphasize this enough. You have to stay WOKE people. These agencies are out to get you. No, I’m being serious. You think they would be more concerned about reckless driving and folks who have no side mirrors or something. No, they are looking for how to get money from you. Make sure you have all your documents, starting with your Driver’s License, seriously. And why are you driving without a license in the first place?

Develop Thick Skin

If you don’t have this already, I suggest you look for someone to teach you, if not, your chances of vehicular manslaughter will keep increasing and we don’t want that. No one is out to intentionally annoy you on the road, they are just crazy or they just really don’t know how to drive. So, don’t take anything personal.

Have A Sense Of Humour

MAJOR KEY! Do I even have to explain this? I didn’t this so.

Make Sure Your A/C Is Working

My paranoia is back again, with my windows rolled up, I kind of feel safer and especially when you’re in traffic, you want to be comfortable. When you’re comfortable you are less likely to kill a human. Picture this; lovely temperature, Ed Sheeran singing to you, lovely hazelnut wafers in your mouth, complete car documents– what could go wrong? A lot, I know, but still, you would be better equipped to deal with anything when you’re comfortable, even your reactions won’t be as harsh as if you were sweating and hungry and trying to escape the law at the same time.

Avoid Any Car That Has A Religious Establishment’s Sticker

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid!!!! It’s a fucking scam. Oh my gosh. Don’t be fooled, the true Muslims and Christians on the roads are like 0.5%, I’m not even kidding. Now when you meet a toyota that has a church sticker thingy. It’s all over, Jackie! They are probably opportunists who text and drive, slow down without warning, almost never “trafficate”, and are so abusive and I’m pretty sure they also don’t have complete car documents. Just keep a distance from these folks.

 

So, these are my tips. What about you? What do you do to avoid all the crazy? How do you remain cool, calm and collected? What are you smoking? Please, share with us.

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